


The Great Christmas Tree Climb

by tpena19



Category: The Magnificent Seven (TV)
Genre: AU kittens, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Tree, Gen, Kittens, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-03-28 23:41:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3874282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tpena19/pseuds/tpena19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The latest addition to the Four Corners Ranch isn't finding the quick, easy acceptance he was hoping for, but maybe pulling off this latest caper will change things for him - if it doesn't kill him first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cast of Characters

**Author's Note:**

> (Magnificent Kittens AU) They live on a ranch/farm, think barn adventures, livestock, horseback riding, kids come out for field trips, etc...

Chris - blue/green eyes, black kitten

Nate - brown eyes, brown kitten

Ezra - green eyes, Bengal kitten

Vin - blue eyes, Siamese kitten

Josiah - light blue eyes, grey striped Manx kitten

Buck - golden eyes, fluffy angora mix kitten

  
￼  
J.D. - brown eyes, runt fluffy angora mix kitten

Inez - prize winning show cat

Billy - golden retriever mix puppy

Mz. Nettie - older horse

Casey - filly

Owen Travis - collie

Mrs. Travis - collie

Mary - golden retriever

  
￼


	2. The Challenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How it all started.

“I bet you can’t.”

“I accept that bet.”

_Famous last words; he was sure they would be written on his tombstone one day - Here lies one who accepted one bet too many. But this had been a challenge he just couldn't pass up. He would show them all his best skills. And he was sure he could do it, too. Well, mostly sure. He’d done Georgia Pines before and this was no different. Well, maybe a little different. He’d go extra slow._

Six attentive kittens gathered round the tree skirt and sat back, far out of fallout range, to watch the green-eyed newcomer attempt the hazardous climb. The challenger, a kitten as black as night, watched extra closely - on the lookout for any tricks. 

Every young kitten dreamed of making it to the top unscathed, but it was widely known to all cats that it was a nearly impossible to achieve dream. Of course, there were always rumors of some cat making it all the way up, somewhere out there, and that kept the hope alive. 

It had never successfully been done before in the known history of the Four Corners Ranch, though almost every year one or two brave souls ventured a try.

This year, one Southern Bengal kitten was determined to succeed (no matter how many times he had to try).


	3. A Lesson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck has an important story to tell. If J.D. ever shuts up that is.

_There they go, heading off into the sunset together, a band of brothers. Leaving him all alone. He was such an idiot. None of them will ever accept him now. Let him just lie here on this porch in his misery and humiliation. Yes, everyone just ignore the stench of failure and pass on by his disgraceful corpse. A very poor showing if ever there was one, Ezra P., very poor indeed. Mother would be quite displeased. Oh, wait, it seems the terrible twosome has stayed to rub salt in the wounds._

“Well, that was disappointing.”

“Aw, Buck, don’t be mean. He at least tried. I ain’t seen you climb anything taller than the couch in months.”

“Just cause you ain’t seen it, don’t mean I ain’t done it, kitten.”

“Yeah, right, whatever you say, Buck. Hey, Ez! I think you were real brave to even give the climb a try. I ain’t never seen anyone else even get close to The Tree before. Not even Chris.”

“Don’t let Chris hear you say that J.D., he might think you’re calling him out. You know how he can get.”

_Don’t these two ever breathe? Seems they can carry on a conversation for three without the third ever saying a word. Can’t they see he’s wallowing in his depression here?_

“Ah, I ain’t scared. ‘Sides he’s way over in the barn. He can’t hear me…right? Right, Buck?”

“You ain’t scared at all, uh-huh, right. And I’m an old horned-toad.”

“I guess that explains why Josiah’s always calling you a horny menace.”

“What?! He never…does he really? That two-faced…mumble, mumble…”

“Aw, Ez, perk up. You were great, really. It’s just too bad those shiny balls made so much noise when they fell and The Missus came and pulled you down. Otherwise you could have made it to the top for sure.” 

“Sure, he could. If he didn’t run into anymore balls on the way up, or something worse.”

_Worse? What, pray tell, could be worse than being wrenched out by his tail? And he didn’t even make it halfway up, so embarrassing. There is no worse, he’s a catastrophe._

“Worse? Nah, Ez could totally avoid all that…wait, worse like what?”

“Well, I heard tell that this one loco gato from way down south made it nearly to the top, he done avoided all the shinys and no humans popped up to yank him down, but he went and forgot about the most important thing. And it was his doom.”

“What? What’d he forget, Buck? What’s the most important thing?”

_Keep your tail tucked in._

“You sure you want to hear this, kitten? It ain’t pretty.”

“I’m not a kitten, Buck!”

“Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn ya. You see, that ole Mexicali tom was paws away from his goal when, in his excitement, he forgot the cardinal rule of Christmas Tree climbing -”

“There’s rules? Since when? How come I ain’t never heard of them before? You’re full of it, Buck!” 

“There’s lots of stuff a little kitten like you knows nothing about. This is just one of them. Now, are you going to shut up and let me finish?”

“I guess.” 

“You see, he forgot to watch where he put his claws. It’s obvious that you need those pointy darlings out and functioning, or else you ain’t never gunna get off the ground, but what’s not too well known is that you don’t want to punch through anything but the rough tree trunk. And there’s a whole lot of not tree in there to avoid. There‘s all kinds of awful that can happen if a cat gets his claws stuck in something that’s not wood.”

“Like what?”

“Like getting stuck forever, or losing a claw to some evil shiny, or -”

“That can’t happen, Buck! You’re making things up.”

“No I ain’t, and if you keep interrupting me I’m going to find some way to show you intimately one of them awful things.”

_Please, he would never be so clumsy as to get his claws stuck in anything. But he’ll maybe take a little more care anyway on his next attempt to scale the beast. It wouldn’t do to ruin his perfect looks after all._

“Losing a claw isn’t too horribly terrible, Buck. I mean, some cats ain’t got none at all and they get on just fine. Why’d you pretend this story was so bad?”

“I think losing a claw would be pretty awful. How’d you like to be clawless, kitten? It’d make your barn roof climbing damn hard. And I ain’t even got to the part of my story that’s awful yet, seeing as someone - cough, you, cough - keeps interrupting me.” 

“Oh, right. Sorry.”

“Hmph. As I was saying, our proud tom cat started his celebrating a little early and stopped placing his paws with the care he’d previously shown. He was nearly at the top after all, what could happen? Turns out even the last few paws of this climb were treacherous. He only looked away for a second, to glance down in smug victory at his admirers far below, when it happened.”

“What happened!?”

“Dammit, kitten!”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to!”

“I am going to find a way to muzzle you, just like The Boss does his hell hound.”

_We should all be so lucky. Maybe then he'd never have to hear another three-legged dog joke again. Though that’d be something close to animal cruelty, there’s no way the kitten could last not talking without going insane, and Buck just isn’t the type to carry it through. Chris on the other hand…_

“Buck! That’s so mean.”

“Yeah, well, then quit interrupting me.” 

“I meant about Mary, she’s not a hell hound, Buck. Miz Nettie says she’s just a little high strung.”

“What does a horse know? Mary’s evil incarnate, and she’s after Chris. I been telling you guys -”

“I know, I know. Never mind that right now. What happened to Pedro?”

_Who?_

“Who?”

“The cat!”

“Pedro, the cat. Yeah, I have no idea what you’re talking about, kitten.”

“Yes, you do! The cat from your story? The one who’s doomed?”

“Pedro? You named my story cat, Pedro?”

“Well, yeah. He’s a gato, right?”

“Your mind is a scary place, J.D.”

“Just finish the story, Buck.”

_Yes, please finish this farce of a story time. Though it’s been more like the comedy hour so far really. But he has to admit that Buck can spin an interesting tale, and he’s sure it’d be even better without all of the interruptions. Though likely not nearly as amusing to observe._

“Fine. So, the old mouser took his next step. His last step as it turns out. See, without his notice he’d chosen a position right above one of the most deadly hazards a Christmas Tree has to offer. And as he flexed his paw and popped out his claws for gripping the wooden trunk, he unknowingly was the cause of his own doom. For he placed his claws right through a fire wire. All it takes it one claw punching through to the fire inside and a cat is in for a world of hurt, so the poor ole tom never had a chance. They say you can still hear his painful death yowls echoing in that room.”

“That’s awful, Buck! Poor, Pedro.”

“That’s Christmas Tree climbing J.D., you’ve got to always be on your guard, or else. Heck, if it was easy everyone would do it.”

_He actually hadn’t thought of that before. Did Buck’s stupid story actually just teach him something? He ought to thank him. Or well, something._

__“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind on my next attempt, sir.”_ _

__“What? You’re going to try again? But what about Pedro!? You can’t!”_ _

__“Calm down, kid. Ezra’s way wilier than some old tom cat, plus he has us.”_ _

__“I do?”_ _

__“He does? Wait, of course he does. We’ll totally help you out, Ez! Whatever you need we’ll get it for you. Anything.”_ _

__“Well, I wouldn’t go that far.”_ _

__“Buck!”_ _

__“Alright, fine. Whatever you need, Ez. Within reason.”_ _

__“Buck.”_ _

__“It’s fine J.D., and I don’t actually need anything. It’s not like there’s a way to practice for a climb like this one anyway.”_ _

__“Well, actually…”_ _


	4. The Best of Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vin's doing this for Chris's own good. That's his story and he's sticking to it.

Bright blue eyes twinkled in amusement as their owner flicked another glance over at his snarling companion. Chris was crouched down, keeping his profile low. He even had his ears flattened so as not to give his outline away. His twitching pitch black tail was the only part of him moving, and that was only because he couldn’t quite control it with the level of ire he was currently feeling. Or at least that’s what Vin figured based off the spastic jerks and the on-again, off-again growling and grumbling. 

“Quit that,” hissed the ebony kitten, sending his friend a quick narrow eyed glare before returning the majority of his attention back to the antics occurring in the old barn across the yard from them.

“Quit what?” drawled the sprawled Siamese flopped out on his belly next to him. He was much less worried about being spotted on the grey and white shingles.

The two of them were currently hiding out on the roof of the new barn. But Vin knew better than to let Chris know he thought of it as hiding. If the other kitten knew, he’d run off and do something foolish - the black kitten had a thing about cowardly behavior. Vin just thought of it as good sense to get high when Mary came around. There was something a bit off with that dog. Vin couldn’t tell if she wanted Chris for a pup, a mate, or to eat him. Maybe she couldn’t tell either. Any way you looked at it though it was all wrong.

“Quit twinkling at me.”

“Alright.”

“I mean it.”

“Okay.”

“What are you so damn happy about anyway?”

Since Mary had sniffed out their last hiding place, Vin had suggested a new locale. And if that new spot just so happened to have a bird’s eye view of the goings on at the old barn, well then that was just a bit of serendipity. It’s not like he’d planned it that way. Okay, so he had totally planned it that way in the minute he’d had to come up with a new hiding place and convince Chris to use it when Mary had found them in the apple tree. 

“Me?” Vin asked, rolling his head around to more obviously watch Chris freak out. “I’m just enjoying the view.”

“Piffle.”

Vin blinked. “Did you just ‘piffle’ me?” He watched as his best friend’s ears drooped and his shoulders hunched in embarrassment.

“…No.” 

“No, no, go on piffle away, Josiah.” Vin snickered. He had to remember to tell Josiah about this. That crazy Manx was always using strange words and making up sounds. He’d be happy to know someone was being influenced by him.

“Shut up. And what in the world are they doing over there?” 

Vin had been awful curious ever since he had overheard Buck and J.D. discussing something about setting obstacles up in the old barn. And the way they had gotten all quiet then loudly changed the subject when they noticed him had more than peaked his interest. Curiosity may not be his defining character trait, but it was one he was more than happy to indulge. And if it came along with a bonus of annoying his usually too serious best friend into spastic behaviors, well that was an all around win for Vin.

“So, am I supposed to ‘shut up’ or answer your question?”

“Shut up.”

“Okay.” The Siamese kitten flopped his head back down onto the roof and returned to watching the new guy, Ezra, run the obstacle course with Buck and J.D. scrambling along beside him. Knowing those two, they were probably offering well-meaning but entirely useless advice. Or heckling him. Either way Vin wished he could hear what they were saying, too bad the wind was blowing the wrong way.

“Wait, how do you know what they’re doing over there? You can only see what I see! One minute they’re running around, then climbing, then throwing things at each other, and then they disappear into the hay. Then they start all over again! It’s nuts.”

“It does look pretty crazy from over here.” Vin acknowledged. He guessed they did look sort of insane. No wonder Chris was getting so worked up, it was obvious they were up to something but it was hard to tell what, and every time the Terrible Twosome was up to something bad things happened. Usually to others. Actually, usually to Chris. Though, it was kind of his own fault for being the perfect prank victim. 

“You think it’ll look less crazy from closer? Somehow I doubt that.”

“I don’t know. It kind of makes sense if you squint and tilt your head a little to the right.” Rather than doing either of those things Vin instead slanted his eyes over to the right to catch Chris following his directions and making a silly face. Sometimes his friend was just too easy. He blew his cover by bursting into laughter though. 

“I hate you. And Josiah is an evil brainwasher. And Buck, J.D., and the stuck-up new guy are all obviously insane. I need new friends. Better friends.”

“Ah, cheer up! You still have Nathan.”

“Yay.”

“And Ezra’s not stuck-up, he’s shy.”

“He is not.”

“Yes, he is.”

“Are we talking about the same green-eyed, striped, perfectly fluffed, pretentious windbag?”

“Yup. He’s shy.”

“And now you’re insane too. Is it in the water, you think?”

Vin rolled his eyes. It was obvious that the Southerner was feeling out of his element and looking for some way to fit in. Since he had clearly been copying the behavior of some cat he knew, that meant he wasn’t sure how to act as himself. Plus, the Bengal kitten was always hiding the real him. If that didn’t mean shy then Vin was a polecat. Sometimes he despaired of ever teaching his best friend to see beneath the surface of things, and he didn’t mean the pond. Though Chris was pretty bad at catching fish too.

“Ez is just - ”

“Look, forget about the city slicker - maybe you’re right and he’s shy or I’m right and he’s not - it doesn’t matter. What I want to know is, what are they up to over there? You said you knew, so tell!”

“I never said that.” Vin turned to the right to meet the angry glare of his annoyed friend with calm blue-eyes. It was only a mid-level glare though, so Vin knew it was still safe enough to poke a little more.

“You implied!”

“But I didn’t tell you I know what they’re doing because I don’t know it. Not really. I just have a pretty good guess.” Oh, and there went the lip curl, skipping right over the high-level glares. Hissing and claws came next, so it was time to talk him back down. Vin probably shouldn’t enjoy baiting the black kitten so much, but in his defense, Chris had been acting pretty unpleasant lately. He knew better than to challenge a newbie city kitten to try to make The Climb.

“Same thing. And I know you, you know what all that is about. Now share! Before I push you off the roof and you finally get to try out being a bird.”

“You are so violent. And that’s not what I meant when I said I wished I could fly.” Vin flattened his own ears and scowled. Really, that was going too far.

“Fine. I’m sorry. You know I’m not gunna push you. Though if you keep teasing I might be tempted to tell Miz Nettie where her last apple treat went.” 

“Oh, that’s good.” Vin was actually rather proud that his more physically minded best friend had come up with that threat on his own. Maybe some of Vin’s lessons had been sticking after all.

“Thank you. So give.”

Turing back to face the old barn and it’s current inhabitants again, Vin gave a dramatic sigh before finally sharing his insights.

“I imagine J.D. somehow convinced Buck to help him create an obstacle course to help Ezra practice.”

“An obstacle course…huh, I guess maybe, for insane cats, that might look kind of like an obstacle course. A bit. If you squint and tilt your head to the right. But what are they using it to practice for? They’re not back to planning raids on Mr. McGregor's garden again are they? After last time they better not be!”

“Don’t be silly. They learned their lesson about that. No, this is to help Ez practice for his Christmas Tree Climb.”

“Oh, okay. Wait. What!?” 

\-----------------------------------------------Meanwhile-----------------------------------------------------------

“Wait, did you hear something?”

“No? Buck, did you hear any-”

“No. And don’t bother trying any other tricks to get out of running this thing again. You really need all the practice you can get.”

“I’m not lying. I swear I heard a shout.”

“Doesn’t matter. No one’s around. Now get back to the start and try again. And this time try to remember you are attempting to avoid the balls, not chase them.”

“I’m sorry, Buck. I’ll do better this time.”

“I was talking to Ezra, J.D..”

“Oh.”

“I apologize as well and shall also strive to improve my behavior.”

“Kittens.”


	5. There Is No Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his latest episode of 'do not' Ezra is in need of a little hope. Too bad all he's got are a self-proclaimed Don Juan and his over-excitable partner in crime. Or maybe they're enough after all.

“Well, look on the bright side, Slick,” Buck said, looking down at where the city kitten was nursing his injured pride. “At least you made it farther up this time.” 

The rumpled Bengal kitten didn’t even bother to stop his tail inspection to look up at the older kitten in the tree above him. He just continued with the more important task of trying to get his fur back in order with a little self-grooming. “Humph.”

“We need some kind of a system.” J.D. muttered from his boneless slump in the grass next to Ezra beneath the low branch Buck was perched on. 

“What’re you mumbling about now?” Buck asked. “You really need to learn to speak clearly, kitten.” 

“I said! We! Need! A system!” The annoyed younger cat snapped back. He wasn’t really too upset though as he didn’t so much as twitch his tail in irritation. He didn’t move from his depressed sprawl watching Ez’s primping either. 

“A system? What are you talking about? We have a great system!” Buck denied with a shake of his head. “Why, if we don’t have The Very Best Christmas Tree Climbing Obstacle Course in the history of ever, I’ll eat my hat.”

Ezra paused his actions a moment in disbelief and raised his eyes to share an incredulous look with J.D. - it would be quite the sight, to be sure, if the older kitten actually had a hat. “I would very much like to see that spectacle.”

“Ah, Ez, don’t you go doubting how awesome our Christmas Tree Climbing Preparatory Classes are now!” The no-hat owning kitten protested, bending low to hang half off the branch to emphasize his point. “Why, you even made it halfway up The Climb because of them.” 

The Southern kitten was amused despite himself, he could practically hear the capital letters in the silly titles the other cat used. He wondered if Buck or J.D. had the dubious pleasure of naming their current activities. 

“Buck, you don’t have a hat.” J.D. stated the obvious while rolling onto his back to get a better look at the bigger kitten. It was likely a good thing too because the older cat would look awful silly with his ears all squashed up inside a sombrero. He’d never be a hit with the lady cats that way.

“Yeah, so? What’s your point, kitten?” 

“You can’t make a bet about something you don’t have! It isn’t right.”

“Well, it hardly matters anyway because we do have The Very Best Christmas Tree Climbing Obstacle Course in the history of ever, so I won’t be needing a hat to eat after all.” Buck’s face and pose all but shouted a sulky ‘so there’ at the end of his sentence.

“That wasn’t what I was talking about anyways,” J.D. rolled his eyes. “I meant that we need a warning system to let Ez know when The Missus is coming so he can hide. Maybe then he’ll make it farther up the tree before being yanked out by his tail again. Did that hurt, Ez? It looked like it hurt.”

Refusing to dignify the imprudent question with a response, the green-eyed kitten simply ignored it and returned to his grooming.

“Really, J.D.?” It was Buck’s turn to roll his eyes. “You keep saying you’re not a kitten, but then you go and ask dumb questions like that one. Of course it hurt. I mean just look at him now. Poor fellow, he’s all out of sorts and resorting to neurotic behaviors to cope with his pain.”

Blinking slowly, the Southern kitten once again paused his actions and redirected his full attention to his companions. “It’s, uh, not that kind of pain, Buck.” Ezra tentatively pointed out.

“You’ve been watching Dr. Phil again!” J.D. accused, eyes going wide with worry. “Chris said you weren’t allowed anymore after the last time you told him he needed to embrace his inner kitten and quit acting out for attention.”

“Well, what Chris doesn’t know won’t hurt me. And don’t you go being a tattletale either, kid, or else I’ll know who told.” Buck warned, flicking up a paw and flashing claws. “Then it’d be sneak sleep-attacks for life.”

“Fine. I wasn’t going to tell anyway.” J.D. scowled up at the smug cat above him. He hated when Buck woke him up by pouncing on him. “But when you slip up and Chris wallops you one, I am going to say I told you so.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

“Oh, for heavens sake,” Now it was Ezra rolling his eyes, and just look at the bad habits he’s picking up from associating with heathens. And the two of them look quite proud about it too. Though he can’t tell whether that’s because they got him to roll his eyes or because he actually expressed his annoyance verbally. “J.D., just what did you have in mind to use for a warning system?”

“Yeah, Squirt, that is a pretty good idea if we can come up with something feasible.” Buck relaxed into a lazy sprawl over his branch, posing no longer necessary since Inez wasn’t at the window seat any longer.

“Well, I did have one idea, but it involves Josiah and Nathan…”


	6. TVBCTCTE and TPC (Yeah, Nathan and Josiah are confused as all hell too.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan and Josiah just need a little application of the powers of persuasion to join the team, or so Buck and J.D. hope. And their natural ability to communicate perfectly without words will be totally worth it, right?

“You want us to what?” Nathan asked the two trouble makers stood in front of him. The very confused all brown kitten turned his head to give his gray-striped best friend a speaking look. He knew Josiah would understand it to mean _*You have any idea what these two fools are talking about?*_ as the two older companions had been communicating nonverbally for ages. Why, ever since they had first met 6 months ago, they had been fast friends and able to read each other perfectly.

Josiah twitched his right ear in response to Nathan’s narrow eyed stare his way, it was his own way of telling his friend to _*Just calm down, Nate. It’s not my fault these two are talking to you. Please don’t maim them for life with your deadly claw skills.*_. The chocolate eyed kitten always glared at him when the Terrible Twosome came around and tried to convince he and Nate to join them in their adventures and misdeeds. He had long ago come to translate this particular glare to mean that his best friend was blaming him for being forced to associate with incomprehensible riff-raff. Which was a bit unfair, Josiah thought, because it wasn’t like they were only his friends and not Nathan’s too.

“Perhaps a slightly longer and more comprehensible explanation is in order, brothers.” Josiah stated, drawing himself up and sitting tall to express the importance of his words, hoping to head off any trouble before it started this time.

J.D. and Buck exchanged glances and rolled their eyes in unison. This is how it always went with their two older friends. They would ignore a perfectly fine description of a plan, then exchange really weird looks and make faces at each other, then they would demand another explanation using bigger words, and then, for reasons unknown, the whole process might start all over again. And half the time it was a wasted effort because they didn’t even agree to help with the plan in the end! 

With a huff, Buck took over negotiations from J.D., he should have known better than to let the excitable kitten have first crack at this pair anyways. “Well, it’s simple like J.D. said before, we need you guys to become the newest members of TVBCTCTE so we can make use of your weird, uh, I mean awesome, TPC to help Ez.”

“Uh-huh.” Nathan was not amused. Why did these two always have to make up words and then use them in conversations with other normal cats? Did they think everyone shared their crazy ways of thinking? He was more confused now than he was before Buck started explaining. He shot a look at Josiah to see if his best friend had any better idea of what all that blather meant. _*You get any of that?*_

Uh-oh, there goes the eye squint of doom. Buck really ought to know better than to use incomprehensible acronyms around an already annoyed Nathan. Now Josiah had to jump in fast to try to keep his young friends from being verbally flayed, if not even actually maimed; Nathan hated acronyms with a passion. He gives Nathan his patented _*Be patient with those younger and dumber than yourself, please.*_ look (it’s all in the eyes) before turning back to Buck. “Now, brother, as newcomers to your little project - and it had better not be that you talked poor Ezra into helping you with another plan to steal from that nice farmer man down the lane or else I’m going to - .”

“It’s not.” Bucks swears fast, not really wanting to know what the bigger Manx would do to them.

J.D. pouted, ears drooping and tail twitching. Why did everyone always think that? Bother an old farmer guy once or twice and the whole world thinks you’re out to get him. Well, ok, maybe it was a few more times than one or two, but still, so unfair.

“Alright, good. I believe you two really have learned the error of your past actions, just like the story of the kitten who - .”

“Yes! That’s true, Josiah! We are totally reformed now, so no need to tell that lovely story with a moral, cause we totally got the message already! Right, Buck?” J.D. beseeched his big brother to save him from yet another Josiah parable. Just where did the Manx come up with them all? Did he hear them in his travels to find a forever home? He must have been traveling for ages before finding them with how many stories he had stored up.

“Yeah, right. Totally reformed former reprobate here.” Buck responded, flicking his left ear with humor. It’s always been funny to him how J.D. can sit through one of Buck’s stories, or tell a crazy one of his own, without any trouble, but set him in front of Josiah for a story and the kitten would soon be convinced he was dying.

Nathan snorted his ‘yeah, right’ sarcasm extra loud for everyone to hear, but he didn’t say anything to contradict either kitten. He didn’t much feel like sitting through another lecture parable for these two either. Besides, as far as he can tell, the stories never worked like they were supposed to anyways. All the one about the wolf did was convince Buck he was right about Mary but now no one was listening to him, and it had J.D. instigating all night wolf watches on their sheep for months. 

Feeling a little put out that no one, not even Nathan, wanted to hear the perfect kitten story he had all prepared for just such an occasion, Josiah sent a squint eyed glare of his own at his so-called best friend _*I will remember what you just did.*_ before questioning Buck some more. “So, as I was saying before being interrupted, twice, might I get the complete name of your team seeing as we would be new and I don’t recall hearing about it previously.” 

“You mean TVBCTCTE?” J.D. blinked and tilted his head in bemusement. “ Yeah, I guess you guys might not know that one yet. But you will! It’s awesome.”

“Yes, that first, then perhaps expand upon TPC next, if you will.” Josiah said, sending an amused look at the excited kitten wiggling in place in front of him before turning his gaze back to the slightly (and only very slightly mind) more rational kitten in front of him.

“Well, TVBCTCTE is The Very Best Christmas Tree Climbing Team Ever, that’s us - me an’ J.D. and Ez - and you guys too if you join us and become part of the team.” Buck pronounced proudly. “We’ve been training Ez on our TVBCTCOCE, that’s The Very Best Christmas Tree Climbing Obstacle Course Ever, and he’s been doing 350% better than when he first started. You saw how much farther up the tree he got last time compared to his first try without The Team. He’s also 200% more likely to succeed with even more help.”

Buck stopped his sales pitch there in order to let the suckers, uh, he meant prospective employees, think about how awesome he, uh he meant The Team, was. Oh, and to knock J.D.’s front paws out from under him to spill the smaller kitten in the dirt and keep him from adding his own two cents to Buck’s already perfect explanation. Then, when the kitten had the nerve to tackle him, he just had to ensure the runt knew who was in charge. He was sure the midget would get the point one of these times. Pretty sure. Hopefully.

During a pause in Buck’s speech, when the older kitten randomly decided to attack the younger kitten next to him for no sane reason Nathan could figure, maybe he just wanted to practice his sneak attacks? Gosh, but Nate hoped the crazy wasn’t catching today. Anyway, while there was a brief reprieve from the foolishness in front of him Nathan took the opportunity to communicate his concerns with his best friend. _*Do you think he just plucks these statistics out of thin air, or is he keeping some kind of actual data on their little escapade? And what on earth could he be basing them on?*_

Josiah attempted to split his attention between Nathan’s twitches and the friendly sibling rivalry happening in front of him. It didn’t pay to take one’s attention totally off the Terrible Twosome once they got started or else one might find one’s self involved in a kafuffle one didn’t want to be involved in. Hmm, looked like Nathan was taking exception to Buck playing scientist. Nate really didn’t seem to like it when one of their brothers didn’t show proper respect to the scientific process. _*I don’t think he means any harm, brother, he’s just a mite excited about their new project. And it does sound like quite the intriguing proposal, so far.*_

Yeah, looked like Josiah thought Buck was full of it too. Nathan recognized that shoulder roll. And only teenage girls, morons, and the military speak in acronyms. One guess which group this bunch fell into. _*Can you hear the all capitals in his crazy titles too, or is that just me? *_

Josiah was pleased by the relaxing posture and questioning head tilt he could read in his best friend’s posture. It looked like Nathan was beginning to come around about this venture. The chocolate kitten didn’t seem nearly as ready to start maiming as he was before. _*Yes, I too think we should hear the rest of what they have to say. We might really be able to offer some invaluable help to our supplicatory friends.*_

After successfully stomping his surrogate little brother into the dirt, Buck calmly shook himself off and returned to sit in front of the two making faces at each other. He’d just wait for them to give him their attention again. Though it was good to see an example of the profound TPC the two shared in action.

“Your team sounds quite interesting, and very self-informative, brother Buck, but I’m not quite sure where we would come in, especially if you fellows are doing so great already.” Josiah stated returning his complete attention back to the duo in front of him. He was only a little worried about how J.D. was still lying sprawled out on the ground hacking up dirt; the smallest of his brothers had always shown a remarkable ability to bounce back from any setback, even the physical. Besides Buck would sooner get himself shaved bald than to actually hurt his little brother.

“Well, see that’s the thing. We are doing great, better than great even, and Ez isn’t doing too badly either. He simply isn’t the same sissified city cat he was before. He’s turned into the right perfect Christmas Tree Climbing Champion with our help. But,” and here Buck knew was the kicker. He had to either hook them on this one or watch them walk away shaking their heads. It was always the last line that seemed to trip him and J.D. up all those times before too. “As I’m sure you’ve noticed, we never get to see the fruits of our labors come to completion before calamity occurs. And that’s where you guys would come in. See, we need a fool proof, guaranteed to work, warning system in place before the next Climbing Attempt. We need you to use your patented TPC - telepathic powers of communication - to warn us of The Missus coming. That way Ez will know to hide and be still while we distract her until it’s safe for him to keep climbing.”

Nathan’s attention was pulled away from the worry he was about to voice towards the young kitten still choking on the ground to Buck’s latest clarification. He and Josiah had been asked to play lookout for these two before, but this was the first time he’d ever heard it put quite this way. TPC indeed. Truth be told, he kind of liked the idea of others recognizing how special his and Josiah’s connection really was. He wasn’t quite sure how they were meant to use it to play lookout though. Or if they even should. He wasn’t really behind all this Christmas Tree Climbing Nonsense, too dangerous. And darn it, Buck! Now he’s got Nathan thinking in all capitals.

Josiah was sold. Christmas Tree Climbing was a rite of passage for many cat societies, and to be so intimately involved in such a caper would really put this Holiday Season at the top of his memory pile. Now he just had to convince Nathan that this was a good idea. He’d use his most persuasive argument. _*Do you really want to let them try this again without us? You do remember how the last few times worked out, don’t you? They need us. Ezra’s tail needs us. Come on Nate, you know you want to.*_

Aw, man, not the big blue kitten eyes. Josiah wasn’t playing fair. But that must mean he really wants to do this, for some probably crazy parable-related reason. _*Are you sure? Yes? Ok, then, but it’s all on your head when we end up banished to the barn.*_

“Fine. We’re in.” Nate sighed. “You probably need someone to come up with some real statistics anyway.”

“Woo! Hoo!” J.D. whooped and then went into a coughing fit, but he didn’t let that stop him from jumping around and celebrating their victory with Buck. 

Soon Josiah joined them in the celebrating and the three of them bounced, pounced, and rolled around a seated Nathan. They continued to yowl their victory cries and cause a commotion for quite some time.

Nathan figured he should soon try to find out why all his friends were crazy. Was it the water? Dear Lord, he really hoped it wasn’t catching.


	7. We Are Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris has a plan. It's a good plan too. Too bad it doesn't survive contact with the enemy.

“What’cha doin’?”

“Yaarrrlll!!” Chris shrieked as he spun around and lashed out with his claws to catch tiling before he went tail over ears off the edge of the roof where he had been calmly perched. He had been concentrating so hard on hearing every detail of what was going on below him that he might of tuned his own surroundings out a little. Maybe. Vin’ll never let him live this down.

Vin jerked back and blinked in shock, staring at his now huffing best-friend-in-the-whole-world, before bursting into uncontainable guffaws. He couldn’t have stopped laughing if he’d tried, which he totally didn’t. He also didn’t think he’d ever seen Chris react like that to being startled before. Of course, the black kitten hadn’t ever been hiding on the back left corner of the old barn’s roof behind the big tree’s branches in order to spy before either. At least not that Vin knew about anyways.

“…dead…hate…claws…evil.” By Bastet, but Chris had never been so relieved to have the fastest claws in the barn before. He slowly straightened up and gently worked his steel sharp babies out of the life saving roofing, then calmly walked over to where his so-called best friend was hopefully not actually dying of laughter since Chris wanted to personally kill him himself.

“Hey, Chris! Vin! What’re you guys doing?” J.D. asked as he trotted up next to the big tree right under where the other two kittens were play fighting on the roof. “You know, Miz Nettie says it’s not smart to play on the roof, you might fall off if you aren’t careful!”

“Ye-yeah, Chris! - hic - You shoul-shouldn’t play - hah! - on the roof! Hahaha!” Vin couldn’t even get a full sentence out without falling back into hysterical giggles. Though Chris’s attempts to strangle him with his own tail weren’t helping his coherency much either.

“Now look what you went and did,” Chris muttered in defeat, flopping on top of Vin and watching as the rest of the loony bunch came meandering along in J.D.’s wake. Well, there went any chance of secretly figuring out how Josiah and Nathan got turned crazy so he could save himself. He supposed he could try the direct approach though, one never knew when that might work.

“Did ya’ll happen to hear any screaming?” Ezra asked as he came up alongside J.D. and stared up expectantly at the tangled twosome. “I swear it’s that same horrible screech I heard before.”

“YE-ow! Hahahah!” Well, Vin’d tried to let the others in on it, but Chris was a wily one, and fast too. Eh, he’d just have to tell them later. Chris’d probably get pissy, but it’d be worth it. He just had to share that face - he couldn’t believe he was the only one who got to see it - with the whole barn.

“Nope.” Chris glared down at the top of the head he was currently squashing. “Didn’t hear a thing, especially not over this hyena here. So, what are you guys up to?”

“We’re not after that dumb farmer!” J.D. shouted leaping to his feet with a glare on his face.

The kittens who had been calmly gathered round their youngest member all jerked or jumped away leaving the snarling, fluffy ball of doom alone in the middle of their little circle. He was being stared at with looks ranging from curiosity (Ezra, as he still had no clue whatsoever about this Farmer McGregor that was such a big deal to everyone else) to annoyance (Buck, for being startled - not scared! - into moving - not jumping! - away from where he’d been smirking at Chris - yeah, he’d totally recognized that yell) to concern (Josiah, he’d have to think of an appropriate farmer stalking tale to tell the lad) to wariness (Nathan, maybe he’d better move those Crazy Tests up to the top of his To Do List, and dammit Buck! he was still thinking in capitals!). Chris was still sitting on Vin’s head, so he wasn’t staring at anything but roof tiles, plus he still hadn’t quite got his hysterics under control enough to be completely coherent yet. And Chris, well….

Chris stared calmly down, not a muscle moved, until slowly an ear twitched and his head tilted ever so slightly right. It was even worse than he’d thought. Not only was the crazy catching but it was apparently a progressive and serious strain. He had more work to do than he’d thought. “Ooo-kay, that’s not what I asked but good to know.”

“Jeezus, kitten. Give us fellas a little warning before ya go all loco on us, yeah?” Buck snarked at J.D. as he moseyed over to nudge the little fire breather into relaxing and letting all his fluff settle. “Poor Nate, he don’t know what to do.”

“Uh-uh! No, Buck. You leave me out of your craziness.” Nate scowled. He was still mad about the capitals thing and in no mood for more ridiculousness. He still wasn’t sure how he’d gotten dragged into their lunacy to start with.

Deciding to interfere before Nate decided to sharpen his claws on Buck’s face (he totally recognized that tense, narrow-eyed squint), Josiah said “It is a hard time indeed, when one finds a brother in need, and yet one knows not what is needed. We all share in that pain, don’t we, brother Buck?”

“Uh-huh?” Buck blinked.

“What’d he say?” J.D. whispered to Ezra on his right, the only one who ever seemed to have any luck in translating Josiah speak when the Manx got like this. Nathan didn’t count as he totally cheated with his TPC.

“Either he just said you’re crazy and we don’t know what to do, or else that we’re all crazy and it’s Buck’s fault.” Ezra whispered back. At least, he was pretty sure that’s what Josiah had said. Not that either version made much sense to Ezra though. He was pretty sure Chris and Vin were the crazy ones, fighting on the edge of the roof like that.

“What!? I am not crazy!” J.D. snapped, twirling to his left and trying to move around Buck to get at Josiah.  
  
Buck snagged the younger kitten before he could get around him to Josiah. “Yeah, you’re just the very model of a perfectly sane kitten, here.”

“Buck!” J.D. squirmed trying to free himself. “Why aren’t you helping me?! He just said you made us all crazy!”

“Say what!?” Buck jerked back and looked from J.D. to Ezra, both nodding at him, to Nate and Josiah, both frowning at him. “It’s not enough to defame my awesome powers of feline magnetism with horrible lies about horniness, but now you try and blame me for your loony tunes? I don’t think so. J.D., sick ‘em!”

Chris let his head flop down on top of Vin’s in despair as both Buck and J.D. pounced Josiah while Ezra pulled some crazy ninja cat moves to avoid the flying missile Nathan became aimed for him. Now how was he supposed to find the source of the craziness disease and save his friends? Why did they always have to make things so darn hard. He let his head be lifted back up, chin still resting on his friend’s head, as Vin finally came up for air and noticed the senseless violence on the ground.

“What’s going on?” Vin asked. “Oh, wow. Did you see that? I didn’t know Josiah could bend that far. And hey! Ez is totally stealing my moves!”

“Humph…you’re all infected with the crazies.” Chris absolutely was not pouting. Just because he had to figure out how to save everyone all by himself that was no reason to give in to depression. He was stronger than that, and he’d totally kick Crazy Ville’s ass and save all his friends. Maybe in a minute. Or he could just find new friends? It wasn’t too hard to find this bunch after all. But look at how well that’s turned out though.

“Stay still and let me have one good swipe! Just one!”

“Back fiend from hell!”

“Run, Ez!” Vin shouted down at the shy newbie Nathan had almost cornered. “Wow, he’s pretty fast for a city cat. How do ya reckon he got that way?” in an aside to Chris. Well, the lump that was formerly known as Chris anyways.

“Bite his ear off!”

“I got him right where I want him!”

“Is this any way for brothers to behave?”

“Yes!” Vin shouted down to answer Josiah. “This is exactly what brothers are for.”

Brothers, huh? Chris frowned down at the chaos below him. Friends did not act this way unless they were all insane, but brothers….

“We have the best family, don’t we?” Vin sighed in delight.

“I suppose this means that they aren’t all insane then?” Chris questioned.

“Nah. They’re all loopier than a bowl full of cat food.” Vin smirked. “But so are we. So they fit right in!”

Chris stood up, stretched out and then stalked over to the closest branch of the big tree. He had managed to jump on and start to work his way towards the trunk before Vin joined him.

“What’cha doin‘?”

Chris did not appreciate the mocking (at his expense) humor, nor did he like it when his concerns (he was not a drama queen!) were ignored or downplayed either. And he was going to remind his best-friend-in-the-whole-world about it too. He waited to reply until they had made it down the tree and joined the others on flat ground. “Waiting until we’re on the ground.”

“What for?” Vin blinked in confusion.

“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” Chris said right before he pounced. 


	8. Magnificent Teamwork

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The kittens just love it when a plan comes together, don't you?

“Alright Ez, there’s the signal from Nate and Josiah, get set, you’re almost a go. Remember to be careful in there.”

“I shall endeaver to do my best, Chris, and since it’s me, well, we all know how good I am.”

“…sigh…cocky little…mumble, mumble….”

_Fearless Leader indeed,*snort*, really he’s just a big mother hen in control freak form. But it does feel rather ~~nice~~ odd knowing he cares, knowing that they all care. And to think that they say it’s me they care about and not just my god given talents. Why, Buck even said he’d rather I come out of the climb alive over making it all the way to the top if there was a choice between glory and safety. And Josiah said he’d like to help plan for next year, and that he might even like to give it a try too after a year of conditioning. Still, it’d be such a waste of all that practice time now if I quit for no good reason without reaching the top. With us all working together, I’m sure there’s no longer any need to fear for my tail. And after all the training we did, I have no fear of any other calamities either. I will make it to the top today. One short climb for me, one giant leap for brotherly relations!_

The Bengal kitten did a few last minute stretches well away from the tree, getting his limbs in shape for the needed elastic ease and nimble quickness that were sure to be required for the coming challenge. Then he straightened up and sauntered over to take his place next to his Siamese spotter for the run. 

While Ezra had been prepping his body for the task ahead, Vin had been busy mapping the most efficient route up the maze. His eagle eyes the best suited to note hurdles and tiny shifts in obstacles on the way up. It would be his job to guide Ez around the worst of the shinys and to find alternate routes if anything went wrong. He would also let Ez know the best way to hide in the tree if that was required later.

The ebony kitten took one last long look around, making sure everyone was in their correct starting positions. Chris wouldn’t give Vin the final ok to start Ez up the tree until he was sure everything was going according to plan. As the manager of the crazy zoo it was his job to keep his loonies on task (it was a bit of a self-appointed role, but since no one had had any better ideas…). 

He glanced at the couch where the fluffy Angora kittens were in ready to launch positions if a distraction became necessary. It was Buck and J.D.’s own self-appointed duty to be in charge of ‘Operation Save-the-Tail’ and they were taking it seriously. Perhaps a bit too seriously if some of their overheard conversation was to be trusted. Though, with all the noise and mess they were sure to cause there would be no way anyone would notice a hiding Ezra, so that was good. Mostly.

He looked over to the hall doorway, finding Nathan’s chocolate fur easily against the cream walls. The dark kitten had won the argument with Josiah over which of them was going to be in the room with The Tree versus in the room with The Missus. Nate made his point by stating that he was the best kitten qualified to tell if any injury was serious enough to need intervention or if the injured party could slink off and lick his wounds in peace. Chris met Nate’s eyes, asked if he and his partner were all set, and received a decisive nod in reply.

Josiah was already standing watch in the doorway from the hall to the kitchen (where The Missus was, according to J.D., currently baking a half-dozen million Christmas cookies). And while the Manx kitten could not see the tree climbing action from his position, he did have the most important job of them all, or so he told himself. It was a pleasure just being involved in such an important coming of age ritual, or so he told himself. They wouldn’t be keeping him out of the action next year though, mark his words.

It looked like everyone was in place. It was time to make history.

“Ezra, you have a go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this one was a bit late. I hit a bit of a wall writing this chapter. I kept trying to write the Christmas Tree Climb and how that went - not well - on my end anyways, Ez did fine, lol. Then I realized that whether Ez actually makes it to the top or not was not the point of the story. The point of the story was the coming together of the team, of the Magnificent Seven brothers, of a family. The chapter just flowed after that. I will leave it up to your imaginations how The Climb actually goes for our intrepid Southerner.


End file.
